What Being a Birth Mother Means to Me

My journey as a birth mom started almost 7 years ago. For some time, I pondered my place as “C”’s birth mom. I was not his mother but I am more than a friend. I am not quite an aunt and not quite a sister. So, what am I? How do I define myself as “C”’s birth mother? 

Sierra and “C” at 4 1/2 months old
I thought I had found the answer but on December 18th, 2010, I realized I had been mistaken. My daughter was born that day. A child I would raise with my husband. I feel guilty saying this but I did not have much emotion when she was first born. I just stared at her, not feeling much. 
A few hours after her birth, my husband was curled up on a cot, sleeping soundly and my new baby was swaddled tightly and exhausted from birth. As a stared at her wondering why I did not feel anything, another baby’s face came into my mind. It was a little boy instead of a little girl. It was my “C”. I began to cry. I cried and cried, thinking of my “C”. I held my baby tight, letting tears fall on her pink cheeks. 
At that moment, I realized why I had felt nothing for my sweet little baby girl. I was afraid. I was afraid loving would my daughter would mean I do not love “C” anymore. Once I cried and realized that I could never stop loving “C”, the immense love I knew I had for my new baby came pouring into my heart. 
Sierra and her daughter
On the day, I did not become a mother to my first. I may only have “one” child but I am a mother to two. I am more than a sister. More than an aunt or friend. I am a birth mother. A birth mother is a special kind of mother. Only other birth mothers can understand this role. I hold my role as a birth mother as a sacred role. It is a role that can never be taken away and a role that has a special place in my heart.

“C” once told his mom, “My birth mom is special.” I think “C” hit the nail on the head with that one. Birth moms ARE special! I now know my role as “C”’s birth mother. I am special. I do not have to fit into the category as aunt, sister or friend. I am a different kind of mother and that is ok. I am birth mom and I will never stop loving my first “first” born.

– Sierra Kilpatrick 
Sierra and her daughter
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